How to Deal Decisively with Conflict

Learning to manage conflict as a leader can be difficult. Not because it’s hard, but because most of us hate conflict. We hate the way it makes us feel. We hate the way it makes other people feel. It’s because we dislike conflict that we shy away from dealing with it.

Today, I want to give you five practical ways to deal more decisively with conflict. However, I would like to challenge you to do two things before you get started. Think of them as perquisites to developing in conflict management. They are simple, but I believe they will pay major dividends in your leadership if you put them into practice.

Two Prerequisites to Developing in Conflict Management

1. Define the Difference Between TENSION and CONFLICT.

Disagreement among team members can be healthy. I love William Ellery Channing’s take on conflict, “Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.”  Disagreement is not necessarily conflict to be dealt with. It could also be a tension to be managed! There’s a difference between conflict and tension. Tension is healthy and holds things in balance. Conflict causes damage.

Without tension, things like bridges and shower curtains wouldn’t work! Tension is created when two opposite forces pull apart from one another to provide balance in between. Think about a tight wire. Without equal tension on both sides, it can’t be traversed! Conflict is different entirely. Conflict is defined as a serious disagreement, argument, or clash. Conflict causes wars while tension causes progress.

As a leader, you’ll want to deal with conflict as soon as it arises. However, you’ll also want to be careful not to remove useful tension from your organization. Teammates disagreeing is necessary. Such disagreements lead to better ways of doing things. On the other hand, conflict just derails progress.

If you’re not sure whether you’re dealing with conflict or tension, ask the following questions:

Is it helping the team win or a person win?

If the disagreement is leading towards having a winner and a loser, it’s likely conflict to deal with. If it’s leading toward a solution that will help the team win, it’s probably a healthy tension.

Is it making people better or bitter?

Is the disagreement making people think better and work differently, or is it causing people to become bitter and divisive? If it’s causing division, it’s conflict. If it’s leading people to think differently, it sounds more like a tension.

Is it constructive or destructive?

Is the disagreement leading to progress or arguments? Healthy tension should always lead to progress!

Are feelings getting hurt or are people getting hurt?

Don’t get me wrong. Tension disagreements can lead to hurt feelings. We all like our ideas. It can hurt to find out they won’t work or aren’t the best way forward. However, there’s a difference between hurting someone’s feelings and hurting someone personally. Healthy tension may cause some hurt feelings, but it will never hurt your people.

2. Practice Real-Time Feedback

After you’ve defined the difference between tension and conflict, I challenge you to begin the habit of practicing real-time feedback. Average leaders wait to give team members feedback until their next one on one meeting or evaluation. Next Level Leaders understand the power of real-time feedback!

When you see a team member doing something counter-cultural, pull them aside and privately give them feedback on what’s wrong and what you would like to see. If you see something you want repeated, make it a point to point it out and make it a big deal. People develop fastest with real-time feedback. Don’t wait to let them know how they are doing!

One unintended consequence of practicing real-time feedback is its positive effect within an organization. The more real-time feedback you give your team, the less conflict you’ll have to deal with. Your consistent feedback in real-time will help create clear expectations for what goes and what doesn’t on your team. When it comes to leadership, clarity is kindness. The people you lead will thank you for the clarity of real-time feedback!

Now that we have the prerequisites out of the way, let’s take a look at five practical ways to help you deal more decisively with conflict.

5 Practical Ways to Deal with Conflict

1. Be Decisive

When in doubt of whether to deal with conflict or not, deal with it! It’s always better to be decisive than to let conflict grow. The more you let it grow, the more difficult it will be to deal with later. Few leaders struggle with being too decisive with conflict. Most struggle with waiting way too long to deal with it! Don’t be that leader. Make it a point to start dealing with conflict as soon as you see it. When you do, you’ll start to grow. 

2. Be Clear

If you want to grow in your ability to manage conflict, clarity is a must! Remember that clarity is kindness. Be kind to those you lead by being crystal clear with them. Former Senator Howard Baker explained the struggle of clarity in conflict this way, “The most difficult thing in any negotiation, almost, is making sure that you strip it of the emotion and deal with the facts.”  When you deal with conflict among your team, deal with the facts. Make sure to be extremely clear about what your expectations are going forward. Do it lovingly and gracefully, but make sure it’s clear.

3. Be Quick

You can be decisive without being quick. It’s an easy mistake to make in regards to conflict. Being decisive means deciding to deal with conflict and making a plan as soon as you see it. Being quick means working that plan as soon as possible. If you’ve noticed a conflict, the chances are others have seen it too. When you wait to deal with a conflict that others see, it usually leaves them asking the question: “Do you not know or do you not care?” A whole new conflict is created when people start asking this question. Neither answer is a good option!

Don’t decide to deal with conflict and then wait until your next meeting with the person(s.) As soon as you have a plan of action, go ahead and make the conversation happen. Can it wait? Yes, but it can also grow! Great leaders don’t let conflict grow. So why not start doing what a great leader would do?

4. Be Encouraging

Be clear, be quick, and be encouraging! Let your team know you will not put up with continued conflict, but also let them know the good you see coming out of it. Encourage them that you see the conflict making them better and that the relationships involved have the chance to be even better moving forward. Tough conversations are hard to receive, but it’s much easier when the other person believes in you. Be that person for the people you lead. Deal decisively with conflict when you see it, but also make sure to be as encouraging as possible when you do it. 

5. Be Steadfast

Once you deal with a conflict, don’t back down or backstroke! The odds are people’s feelings will get hurt. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to deal with it. The temptation will be to go back on your expectations to smooth things over. Please don’t give in to this temptation! They will get over their hurt feelings eventually either way, but they can’t get over the conflict if you don’t stay steadfast. Make a decision and stick with it. It will be worth it in the end.

Nobody likes dealing with conflict, but nobody like the results of letting it fester either. Conflict doesn’t go away when left alone. Instead, it grows. Like a cancer to your culture, unresolved conflict will eat away at your team and erode your influence. Don’t let conflict grow on your watch. Deal with it quickly and decisively until that becomes a normal part of your culture.